On Being Enough for Ourselves
I am currently on a girls vacation in Blue Ridge, Georgia. I was here last week with my family, so I'm the lucky duck who gets to spend two full weeks out of the City relaxing. On the agenda for my time here has been tubing down the Toccoa River, hiking to waterfalls, swimming in the lake, and lounging around our gorgeous cabin in my pajamas. So basically a dream. Let me tell you a few things that I felt it necessary to pack for these two weeks.
Packing List:
3 eyeshadow palettes + 7 individual eyeshadows
14 makeup brushes
2 bronzers
3 highlighters
2 purple lipsticks
I repeat: 2. PURPLE. LIPSTICKS.
3 Silk Dresses
3 Extra Bathing Suits
Oh, sorry, I meant to label that list "Things I Packed That I Have Not Used Even Once in Two Weeks". Like... What kind of make-up looks did I think I would be constructing for our daily supply runs to Wal-Mart and hikes into the middle of nowhere? Did I think I would really impress the locals I would never see again by wearing a different bathing suit for every activity? Was I hoping to be photographed for a Blue Ridge edition of "Street Style"?
To be honest, I packed for this trip at 6 AM the morning we were leaving, because we forgot our clothes were at the laundry mat until after they closed, Carrie Bradshaw-style. But I think even under those circumstances, the fact that I thought to myself "Oh, I need cool toned eyeshadows AND warm ones" is indicative of a larger problem I have, the problem of feeling like I need to be more than I am.
Don't get me wrong, I love makeup. I love the chance to express myself, my mood, my style on my face. But there's a switch that happens when it goes from being self-expression to feeling necessary. When you stop thinking "It would be fun to do crazy eyeliner..." and start thinking "I can't leave the house until I put on my eyeliner..." That's where I found myself, thinking that I knew we would take lots of pictures and I couldn't be caught between my beautiful family and my beautiful friends looking like the busted member of the squad.
It's hard in an age of highly accessible, highly filtered images to keep a firm grasp on reality, especially on the reality of appearances. Our standards get skewed by "no makeup makeup" and by celebrities that have their Instagrams professionally photoshopped. And honestly for me, it gets skewed by my own expectations for myself, my desire to be the cutest one, a version of myself that looks like a composite of reality TV celebrities and YouTube stars.
But ya know what? Since being here I haven't put on either of my purple lipsticks. Actually, I don't think I've put on any lipstick during my entire vacation because we eat BBQ every day and I know if I put lipstick on, it will most likely end up on my forehead. And it's okay. I am okay. I have mostly posted pictures of the places we go and the beautiful things we see instead of pictures of my face--which is probably a nice change for my friends and family who see my Instagram. But even the pictures of my face have turned out just fine, because while I don't look like I belong in a fashion magazine, I look happy.
And ya know what else? Not one of my family members or friends has failed to recognize me. No one has mentioned that I have circles under my eyes or that they didn't realize how many lines there are on my forehead. No one has suggested that they love me less when my eyebrows aren't perfectly groomed. Makeup is fun, but it doesn't make people love you. The people who matter, the ones who mean the most to you, love you whether your face has 25 products on it or not. Some of them (like your parents or your husband) probably prefer you with nothing on your face. So if I'm not putting all this effort into my appearance for those people--who is it for?
The reality is that I do it for myself. Sometimes in an empowering, self-expression way, but more often in an "I want to be more than I am" kind of way. It's frustrating because I know on an intellectual level this deep Truth--that I am enough. Enough for my husband, my family and friends, most importantly I am enough for the One who created me. But if I am not diligent, pesky self-doubt will sneak in and make me forget what I know. I will freak out because my fake eyelashes aren't cooperating or my winged eyeliner isn't even. I will panic because I don't have the right contouring powder to make my cheekbones more prominent. Who needs this kind of added stress in their life? Considering my husband recently told me I am the most stressed out person he has ever met, probably not me. Seeing the pile of unnecessary things I brought with me for two weeks in the woods has made it evident that self-doubt has run rampant and my identity needs to be re-focused.
So. For this two weeks, despite the fact that I packed enough make-up for a small army of models, I have decided to let myself just be. Maybe I'll put on some mascara if I have time, and my obsession with chapstick isn't likely to abate. But instead of using my time to modify how I look, all the while comparing myself to other people, I think I'll focus on appreciating how crinkled my eyes get when I smile really big and how much my freckles stand out when I'm in the sun, and all the other things that are so specific to how I was put together. Because as it turns out, the only person who needs to be convinced that I am enough, is me.
