Hello from the Other Side

Comparison is the thief of joy. Right? Duh, you and I both already knew that. But knowing it doesn't protect us from falling into the trap of believing someone, or everyone, has it more together than we do. Lately comparison has been a staple in my life--a resounding chant in my soul. And because I have skills, I can actually compare myself in six different directions at once.

We should have had kids earlier, like they did.
She's so focused on her career--I should be doing that too.
They travel so much and I don't even have a valid passport.
Her house is perfect and my apartment is a disaster.
That girl is in way better shape than I am, I never make time to work out.
They are so financially responsible and stable--we took too many risks and now we're behind.

See what I did there? By comparing myself to six different people and the sum total of their achievements, I'm actually able to feel like a colossal failure in every area of my life at once. Impressive, huh?

It's not that I'm not thankful for what I have or where I am in life. I am. But there are days when it does not feel like enough. I do not feel like I have done enough, achieved enough, like I am enough. When I see people pursuing a talent I once possessed, or women younger than me with multiple kids, or a free spirit traveling non-stop, tied down to nothing--when I see people who made the opposite choice, it makes me question if the direction I went in was the right one. {Really "question" is underselling--it sends me into a panicked whirlwind of self-doubt.} I frantically think that I should drop everything and attempt to return to one of the dreams I left behind, or start something completely new, or alternatively I decide that I am so horribly behind that there's no hope of achieving any of these things and I should instead just go on an ice cream and Netflix binge until further notice.

After keeping all of this bottled up for several weeks, I finally confessed my terrifying thoughts to one of my best friends. I assumed she would have no idea what I was talking about because she is a vision of success. This girl really has her life together--she crushes her goals, she is constantly moving forward to tackle the next challenge. But unbelievably, she told me that she had been experiencing the same fear about her own choices. That she sees the things other people are spending their lives doing and wonders if she should be pursuing a different career entirely. I was shocked that she felt this way, but I was also a little relieved. If this beauty who I view as wildly successful is struggling with the same doubts that I am, does that mean I'm not a total failure?

It is so easy to look at other people and see only their success, only their achievement, only their apparent happiness. We don't see the things that had to be given up in order to get where they are, which leaves us with an incomplete picture of both their happiness and the conflict they might feel within themselves. Acknowledging and overcoming my doubt and fear and banishing comparison doesn't only have implications for my own life--it means that I can view others as the beautiful, complicated, conflicted perfection that they are, not someone to be jealous of or feel inadequate beside.

So here it is. Here's the truth of my life, the flip side to all the joyful Instagram photos I post, because I want you to know that whatever you see about my life that you are tempted to measure yourself against, it is balanced by a decision that I occasionally find myself questioning. I absolutely love living in New York City--but sometimes my heart aches over all the things we are missing out on with our family back home. I am obsessed with my squad of babes in the city and I love staying out til 5 AM with them pretending that I'm still 22--but I am also terrified that I'm waiting too long to have kids and that I'll regret not having started sooner. I love my husband more than anyone else on earth, I am literally obsessed with him--but because I love him so much I chose to give up anything that would require me to be away from him for long stretches, including the pursuit of an acting career, and sometimes I am really sad about that.

We are not fair to ourselves. We only see the highest peaks of other people's lives and we hold ourselves to that standard for all the minute details of our own. I don't want to miss out on the things that bring me such joy because I'm constantly comparing my decisions and path to my neighbors around me. I don't want to miss the chance to support others as they face self-doubt because I was convinced of their perfection. Contentment isn't always what I feel, but this is me actively choosing to be content with where my life is right now. This is me choosing joy. Tomorrow I will wake up and make the best decisions that I can about a million little things. And then I will choose joy and contentment again.

Love, 
Precious Flowers